Snack for election night!
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If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
This makes total sense…
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.