Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter