Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.