Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.