Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Guilty! 🤪
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.