Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
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No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,