Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
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Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
pizza
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
haha same
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.