Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”