Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
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This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
How many? 🤔
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.