Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
You Might Also Like
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Just did a big green poo by a canal
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth