Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.