Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*