Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”