Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend