@bingowings14

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

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@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

@ka_waltz

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

@daemonic3

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

@BlindChow

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

@jwoodham

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

@Sarcasmo718

I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@aveuaskew

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.