Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

You Might Also Like


First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool


your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost


“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”


(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*


Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy


All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.


I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.


I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…


If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.