Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Check your privilege
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.