Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Something Saturday.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear