Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

😂🖐️

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

I had to Stop for this

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?