Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.