SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
giddy up Office Depot
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
