[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Mistakes were made
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*