[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.