[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
You Might Also Like
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.