@KyleMcDowell86

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

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@constantlyjosh

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

@TheCareBare

Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

@shadygrenade

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

@PleaseBeGneiss

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

@Blonde4Dayz

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

@trumpetcake

My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you

@420b1az31t

Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:

@HughGoesThere

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

@gfishandnuggets

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

@trevso_electric

I used to pretend that broccoli florets were treetops and I was a giant eating up the forest while my Dad pretended he had a manly son.