[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

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A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.


Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.


“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
*roundhouse kicks barista*


Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow


Me: I did not see this coming


H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”


My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you


Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:


Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.


Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.


I used to pretend that broccoli florets were treetops and I was a giant eating up the forest while my Dad pretended he had a manly son.