Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.