Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Finally!