[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.