Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.