Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

Yes my dude

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.