Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

Well, this explains it:

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

the official breakfast of 2021

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine