Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.