snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
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I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity