Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

My dad teaching me to drive

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.