Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

Happy weekend !

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one