Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
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2022: I can fix it
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!