Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

it’s the silliest best thing

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.