[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?