Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

twitter is a journey

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

lol

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah