[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
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Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
They did not miss in the small print
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands