Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Attacked by a mop.

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Hang in there buddy

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Hank is one in a melon.

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.