Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
You Might Also Like
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Spell check is for lasers.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Have a lovely day 😊
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way