Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
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Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Yup….perfect score!
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.