Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Catering service
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.