Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

Breaking news:

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling