Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
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[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
🥴😂
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: