@818Newbie

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

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@BunAndLeggings

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

@AimeeHelene1

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

@BroIsMeeeee

Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i’m in a cell

@TheCatWhisprer

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

@Aikiwomannc

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

@clichedout

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@lbcoen

Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.