Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

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Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up


I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…


That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.


Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i’m in a cell


Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.


Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.


Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.


[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]


Send prayers & good wishes for the guy who tried to pick my pocket on the luas, took out a tampon, got mortified & tried to put it back.