Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
You Might Also Like
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir