Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
accurate
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw