Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.