Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
You Might Also Like
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“Sheer Arrogance”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.