@noog: Snakes are terrifying because they can't trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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@daemonic3: [taking my son to band practice] me: kids really make fun of you for this? son: yeah they think your band sucks
@sass_n_ass: No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I'd hop on over to Facebook.
@ibid78: [right after my lie detector test] -Make sure that machine shows I've had plenty of the sex "Sir that's not what it does- -I SAID MAKE SURE