“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
You Might Also Like
Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.