@noog

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

You Might Also Like

@trentistweeting

“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

@BoxJanes

Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea

@bridger_w

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

@_Tempo11

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

@david8hughes

Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

@slimmy_shady

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

@junejuly12

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

@Skoog

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

@3sunzzz

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.