Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
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It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Lol.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.