last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
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My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning