Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist