Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

they should invent a hydrating liquor

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.