Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
That’s commitment
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.