Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.