Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
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The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.