Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
NASA has no chill
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.