Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

Interior design 👌

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

No flush

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

#titanic

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”