snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
BETRAYAL
