snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
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10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying