Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Awwwww shit.

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW