Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

This is the coolest video you will see today.

good work, detective

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.