Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet