Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
an octopus is just a wet spider
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Noted.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.