@Jamberee13

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

You Might Also Like

@sophielou

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

@dave_cactus

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

@Bunnydurden

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

@ArfMeasures

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

@TheAndrewNadeau

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

@theNuzzy

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

@SexySpainNights

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

@DonQuickoats

I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn

@LeBearGirdle

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

@DirtMcTurd

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”