Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Storm Tropical Storm
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”