Snapes on a plane.
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My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.