Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers