Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

consequences, the bane of my existence

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street