Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.