Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

My favorite recipe is the one where I pick up the phone & order take out.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

*limbos under the caution tape

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.