*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
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[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
incredible book dedication
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”