[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
that de-escalated quickly
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.