@iwearaonesie

*SNAP*
*wife screams*
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

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@sarabellab123

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

@ArfMeasures

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

@LizHackett

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

@allforandrea

It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

@mela_shea

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

@sofarrsogud

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

@UnFitz

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

@Awk0Tacoo

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

@Brampersandon_

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

@Girl_Censored

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.