4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.