Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

imagine getting destroyed like this

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.