Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….