Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
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one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Great Canadian literature.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.