Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
who will stop them
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”